I Like A Good Healthy Fear

Although it may seem as though I gave up blogging for Lent, I assure you it was a mere coincidence. It is Easter Sunday, and I have already gone for a run, hit up sunrise service, gone grocery shopping, and taken the bike for a quick spin in the out-of-doors. Yes, that's right, outside! No more stationary trainer for me...at least not today. I will miss the almost intolerable boredom of riding in my basement, but training requires sacrifice. Today was the first time I have ridden the bike on the actual road since I took that spill back in October. By the time I recovered physically and got the bike fixed, the winter of everyone's discontent arrived and forced me to the concrete prison.

At this point, I must be honest. In the spirit of Easter renewal and resurrection, I decided today that it was time for me to get back in the saddle. I knew I would be nervous, but I was not prepared for the actual terror that I felt when I walked outside and started pedaling. I cannot recall a time when I have been so scared...not when I jumped out of an airplane, not when I ran my first marathon, and not when I used to run at 4 am through downtown Saint Louis. I felt nauseated, my hands were shaking, and I was fighting back tears. I had planned to ride to and through one of the nicer neighborhoods in Dover because the cherry blossoms and daffodils are in full bloom...and the streets there are actually paved well, and there is very little traffic. After overcoming the paralyzing fear, I decided to start slow and just go for a few spins around my neighborhood.

The good news is, I survived with no scrapes, cuts, or broken bones. Victory! I almost had myself convinced to head out of the comfort of Stone Ridge when remembered a vow I made in October that I would avoid high-risk activities with the possibility of significant injury in a two-week window of any major race or event. technically, Boston is two weeks from tomorrow, but I don't want to test fate. I am hopeful that when Neil gets home, we can go for a ride together which will make me feel slightly more comfortable...at least if he is in the country, someone will be here to recognize the symptoms of a possible slow brain bleed and drive me to the ER, should that be necessary.

In spite of the title of today's entry, I am not entirely sure if the nature and degree of fear I felt this morning was healthy or not. I am not sure if Dover has sports psychologists, but if the shaking and near-crying continues, I will need, at the very least, some sort of hypnotism or guided positive imagery. If not that, I will watch Office Space and really focus on the scene where the hypnotist dies in hopes that I can delve into a state of being neither terrified nor fearless but rather aloof and detached. This may be doubly beneficial in preventing me from wanting to throw my alarm clock across the room Monday through Friday at the thought of going to work.

All sarcasm aside, happy Easter everyone! Jesus was crucified that we may live, and He is risen! It is by the grace of God that I am alive and able to attempt to undertake these crazy shenanigans, and I am not worthy. I am blessed beyond all reason to have wonderful family and friends to support me, and I am unendingly thankful.